becoming bilingual

Language development is exhausting. No wonder two year-olds are always cranky. Lately, I have more private classes, more social interaction, and hardly any problems with understanding Spanish.

However, I've noticed that I am really tense and it's hard for me to relax. You know why? My brain is working all the time. You have no idea how nice it is to just be able to say whatever you want to say without thinking about the actual structures for expressing it. I am capable of saying anything I want in Spanish. If I don't know the word, I know enough to ask around it and figure it out. Word of the week this week? Screwdriver. "Do we have a... um...? The screw fell out of my glasses. See?" Word for screwdriver? destornillador You can see why I didn't guess it.

Have you ever had an experience that required you to be "on" all the time? Something you can't just slide through, something that requires a lot of energy. That's kind of like what Spain is for me right now. In a lot of ways, the cost is high and the rewards are great. I have had some really good conversations this week - solid conversations nearly at the level that I would have in English.

I said I am capable of saying anything I want in Spanish. This is true. However, I learn a lot by expressing myself in writing - like this blog - or in conversations. I am not at the level of Spanish where I can express something and say "Oh! I didn't realize that until I told you!" And if I have those revelations, I have to write them down and then go through and think about how they'd be translated. I suppose it's best summed up as I'm not good at expressing my heart in Spanish. Part of that is that most of my relationships haven't attained that kind of intimacy that self-disclosure requires. However, when the opportunities present themselves, it's really difficult for me to jump on it and say "Yeah, this is what I miss a lot about my country and my home and my culture."

I'll work on it. For now - bedtime. And time for the brain to rest a bit.